Until I fell asleep
I found a folded paper in her desk. I didn't know why that paper was so interesting for me. It was not so me who wanted to know someone's personal thing, even it's my girlfriend's. Yet I took it, unfolded, and started reading it. The tittle was: Until I Fell Asleep. Once I read the title, I thought that it was a short story. Yeah, Oriens, my girlfriend, enjoys writing stories. I continued reading then.
I love a man whom I meet at my previous working place, Adams. I can admit that I love so much. Loving him makes me wonder sometimes. Wonder why I could love him so much. Wonder why I could really miss him badly.
My heart was pounding.
There's a time when I really missed him. Even when I only didn't meet him for a week. It may be exagerated and illogical for missing someone just because not to see him for a week. Only a week. I'm the one who really gets into logical things. I always need an explanation for everything happens, for every feeling I feel. And so do I need a logical explanation of why I do miss him, why I'm often trapped on missing. The final answer is always a statement saying: Because I trully love him. Poor me not to accept that reason easily. I still think that the love reason sounds silly. But then I can't deny it anymore.
In the process of finding the answer, I looked up every episode in my life. I also tried to give meaning for every component in my life phases. I started to define what love is. - it's the very first and basic question that is the most difficult to answer. I skipped. Went to the next question. "Is that love the same as my love to my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sisters, or my best friend?" "It's different," I answered surely. "It seems to be much more than I love my family. Yet I'm not really sure. Mmm... It sounds not fair, huh? But I often feel that I love him more than I love myself." Illogical problem #1.
The third question, is missing feeling part of being in love? "I think so." That question remind me something. It happened when I was 18. At that time, I moved to another city to continue my study at university. It means that I should leave my parents and my hometown. It's not a hard thing to have, because I really enjoy living independent. One night, without knowing why, I really missed my mom and dad. The memory of our togetherness stroked to my mind. I was sad, not to have them around at that moment. I cried silently at my room. Then, I decided to lite a candle and take a silent for several minutes praying. I do believe on the power of prayer for every difficulties or problem I cannot answer. I do believe that I can always contact everybody I care of from heart to heart through a prayer. I was better, then. I slept. I called my parents the following morning, and I was happy that they're alright.
Lately, I often miss him. Texting, chatting, or phone call doesn't really heal my missing. I keep wondering how I could be such a fragile and weak for being in love. It's tiring actually. Adam and I cannot always meet every week, yet we always try to meet once a month. In several chances I arranged to meet him unnoticable. I got my lunch to the restaurant close to his office. I knew where he usually got lunch. I was happy just because of seeing him for an hour and knowing him alright. In another chance, I struggled to fight the crazy traffic jam in the late evening, after office to meet him at his office. He never asked me to do that, to see him, yet I did it sincerely. On his birthday, I woke up much earlier than I usually do only for visiting him at his office and to give a birthday present. Illogical problem #2 - willing to do everything for him.
Yeah, those are such silly things, but it happened, and I did. Falling in love drives me illogical, I suppose. I can really miss him one night, and other night, and on and on. However he seems no to really care of missing feeling. He even rarely says missing. It could be because man and woman face problems, obstacle, and feeling differently I suppose.
And this night, I miss him again. Saying 'I miss you' is boring. I prefer to lite a candle and take a silent for him. I whispered 'God, Thank for presenting him in my life, I love him. This time, I miss him badly. Take care of him always when I am not around is the only I ask. Amen.'
Finishing my prayer I am ready to bed. However I end up with crying. Missing him. I cry in silent until I fall asleep.
That's not a short story. It's her personal note. It's made some weeks before she "fell asleep".
I cried reading it. People say 'A man doesn't cry and a man is supposed not to cry'. But I don't care of that saying. I was overwhelming. I was awaken to do something I supposed to do. I took that story with me and packed several stuff to bring. Sophie & Mike, Oriens' parents, were waiting for me in the livingroom.
"Are you alright, Boy?" Mike asked me gently. He might see my tears.
"Not really, but yeah... I'm OK."
"Ready, Dear?" Sophia asked sadly.
"Yeah, let's go." I can't wait to see her.
On the way to the hospital I could not focus. Seeing Oriens and being next to her all the time were all I want.
Coming in her room and seeing her lying in coma were like facing a doomsday. I came close to her. I held her hand, it's cold. I kissed her forehead in tears. I was in a grief. I controlled myself, and talked to her.
"Huney, do you remember that I always say 'everything must have a reason except love'? That's why I'm mad when you always asked why I love you. I love you without reason, and I damn don't care the reason. I never say I miss you. But it doesn't mean that I trully never miss you. It's OK for you to always text me that you miss me.
Paused...
Well, I won't let you miss me anymore for I'll be around from now on, I promise. I won't let you cry because of me. And I won't let you fall asleep until so long."
***
Oriens was in comma after a small operation in her appendix. I couldn't accept the reality. I was really mad finding her asleep. I was tired to wait her. There was a time that I really want to give up. But I didn't, fortunately. City newspapers that broadcast the malpractice at the hospital didn't really help me to overcome my sadness and anger.
And It'd been the seventh year of her sleeping.Her dropped condition is also still mysterious.
I don't know when she wake up. And I don't know whether I gonna give up or go on. All I know is being around until she wakes up.
Feb 11, 2014
I love a man whom I meet at my previous working place, Adams. I can admit that I love so much. Loving him makes me wonder sometimes. Wonder why I could love him so much. Wonder why I could really miss him badly.
My heart was pounding.
There's a time when I really missed him. Even when I only didn't meet him for a week. It may be exagerated and illogical for missing someone just because not to see him for a week. Only a week. I'm the one who really gets into logical things. I always need an explanation for everything happens, for every feeling I feel. And so do I need a logical explanation of why I do miss him, why I'm often trapped on missing. The final answer is always a statement saying: Because I trully love him. Poor me not to accept that reason easily. I still think that the love reason sounds silly. But then I can't deny it anymore.
In the process of finding the answer, I looked up every episode in my life. I also tried to give meaning for every component in my life phases. I started to define what love is. - it's the very first and basic question that is the most difficult to answer. I skipped. Went to the next question. "Is that love the same as my love to my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sisters, or my best friend?" "It's different," I answered surely. "It seems to be much more than I love my family. Yet I'm not really sure. Mmm... It sounds not fair, huh? But I often feel that I love him more than I love myself." Illogical problem #1.
The third question, is missing feeling part of being in love? "I think so." That question remind me something. It happened when I was 18. At that time, I moved to another city to continue my study at university. It means that I should leave my parents and my hometown. It's not a hard thing to have, because I really enjoy living independent. One night, without knowing why, I really missed my mom and dad. The memory of our togetherness stroked to my mind. I was sad, not to have them around at that moment. I cried silently at my room. Then, I decided to lite a candle and take a silent for several minutes praying. I do believe on the power of prayer for every difficulties or problem I cannot answer. I do believe that I can always contact everybody I care of from heart to heart through a prayer. I was better, then. I slept. I called my parents the following morning, and I was happy that they're alright.
Lately, I often miss him. Texting, chatting, or phone call doesn't really heal my missing. I keep wondering how I could be such a fragile and weak for being in love. It's tiring actually. Adam and I cannot always meet every week, yet we always try to meet once a month. In several chances I arranged to meet him unnoticable. I got my lunch to the restaurant close to his office. I knew where he usually got lunch. I was happy just because of seeing him for an hour and knowing him alright. In another chance, I struggled to fight the crazy traffic jam in the late evening, after office to meet him at his office. He never asked me to do that, to see him, yet I did it sincerely. On his birthday, I woke up much earlier than I usually do only for visiting him at his office and to give a birthday present. Illogical problem #2 - willing to do everything for him.
Yeah, those are such silly things, but it happened, and I did. Falling in love drives me illogical, I suppose. I can really miss him one night, and other night, and on and on. However he seems no to really care of missing feeling. He even rarely says missing. It could be because man and woman face problems, obstacle, and feeling differently I suppose.
And this night, I miss him again. Saying 'I miss you' is boring. I prefer to lite a candle and take a silent for him. I whispered 'God, Thank for presenting him in my life, I love him. This time, I miss him badly. Take care of him always when I am not around is the only I ask. Amen.'
Finishing my prayer I am ready to bed. However I end up with crying. Missing him. I cry in silent until I fall asleep.
That's not a short story. It's her personal note. It's made some weeks before she "fell asleep".
I cried reading it. People say 'A man doesn't cry and a man is supposed not to cry'. But I don't care of that saying. I was overwhelming. I was awaken to do something I supposed to do. I took that story with me and packed several stuff to bring. Sophie & Mike, Oriens' parents, were waiting for me in the livingroom.
"Are you alright, Boy?" Mike asked me gently. He might see my tears.
"Not really, but yeah... I'm OK."
"Ready, Dear?" Sophia asked sadly.
"Yeah, let's go." I can't wait to see her.
On the way to the hospital I could not focus. Seeing Oriens and being next to her all the time were all I want.
Coming in her room and seeing her lying in coma were like facing a doomsday. I came close to her. I held her hand, it's cold. I kissed her forehead in tears. I was in a grief. I controlled myself, and talked to her.
"Huney, do you remember that I always say 'everything must have a reason except love'? That's why I'm mad when you always asked why I love you. I love you without reason, and I damn don't care the reason. I never say I miss you. But it doesn't mean that I trully never miss you. It's OK for you to always text me that you miss me.
Paused...
Well, I won't let you miss me anymore for I'll be around from now on, I promise. I won't let you cry because of me. And I won't let you fall asleep until so long."
***
Oriens was in comma after a small operation in her appendix. I couldn't accept the reality. I was really mad finding her asleep. I was tired to wait her. There was a time that I really want to give up. But I didn't, fortunately. City newspapers that broadcast the malpractice at the hospital didn't really help me to overcome my sadness and anger.
And It'd been the seventh year of her sleeping.Her dropped condition is also still mysterious.
I don't know when she wake up. And I don't know whether I gonna give up or go on. All I know is being around until she wakes up.
Feb 11, 2014
Good one, really. You make it quick and clear, simple yet wavy. :)
BalasHapusartinya apa ya?
BalasHapusAwesome writing!
BalasHapus